they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You may now shotgun with the bride
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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