ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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