I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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