People with herpes should wear stickers.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
