You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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