no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
