Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
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