Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
