My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I wish there were birth control emojis
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
