I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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