Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
