Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
