this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
