i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
