Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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