Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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