I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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