He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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