What tipped you off? The sombrero?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
