So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
