i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize