You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
