im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
