i was born a porn star she said
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
