Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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