my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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