The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
