i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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