Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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