Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
