My friends, they love my intelligence
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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