I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
