Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
