I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I need moral support for this bender
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Drunk is not a location!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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