Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
