I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
