so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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