My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
