So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
