Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
