People with herpes should wear stickers.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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