how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
