when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
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