My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
