Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
