at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
accomplished twins. life is a go
handjob tips. give me some.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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