Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
