K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
