today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
