I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
