They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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