i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
When did angry sex become our thing?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
