I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
