I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
