I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
