Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
