She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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