i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
