I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Woke up backwards on a recliner
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
