My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
