Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
