My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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