I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Randomize
