I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
