She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
