we have officially lost it.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize