She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
