Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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