Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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