so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
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