Cold hands, warm shart.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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