Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
